Amberhawk wins a Cyber Security Challenge UK prize - but it has been returned

{Blog changed on 2nd April due to the threat of legal action by the Homeland Security Department of USA}

Amberhawk is pleased to announce that it has won a Cyber Security Challenge UK competition for the best idea in 2019 (so far) to prevent cyber-crime in the young.  Our idea involves enhanced parental responsibility, increased awareness of computer crime and teaches children under the age of ten about the dangers from hacking.  No special technology or software is needed.

To celebrate our win, lucky children involved in our idea can obtain a “Guantanamo-Bay style” onesie in tasteful Amberhawk Orange; the onesie is designed by Yves St. Lawrence (Ivenka Trump’s favourite fashion house).  We are calling this garment the “Amberhawk Onesie”; it costs £7.99 and if you want to see what one looks like, click on the following URL: (https://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/2684/7740/products/wjhcgqrqf4m_1024x.jpg?v=1543508800)

Our idea to improve security is deceptively simple and relies on the wide offence in Section 1 of the Computer Misuse Act 1990 (“CMA”).  This states that a person is guilty of an offence if—

(a) he causes a computer to perform any function with intent to secure access to any program or data held in any computer;

(b) the access he intends to secure is unauthorised; and

(c) he knows at the time when he causes the computer to perform the function that that is the case.

Note that there is no definition of a “computer” in the CMA;  the absence of a definition avoids any problem that a future innovative change in technology would make the legal definition of “computer” defunct.  The Courts are thus free to decide what a “computer” means, in the context of any particular case, and at any future time.

The parental responsibility component of our prize arises because computer technology is becoming ubiquitous in the modern home; given the advent of the Internet of Things, there are many seductive buttons to press and colourful knobs to turn.  Often children under the age of 10 play with such buttons/knobs associated with such computer technology much to the chagrin of parents (who often say something like: “Stop that! Don’t do it again!”).

Sometimes a child ignores such stern invocations and retains a clear intent to cause a modern electronic device (e.g. usually a TV) to perform a function (e.g. to play an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine).  Technically, therefore, the child is committing an offence under Section 1 of the CMA and parents can gently explain this fact to their law-breaking children.  Note the Section 1 offence does not need to an actual episode of Thomas the Tank Engine to be played, just that there was an intent to gain access without parental authorisation.

Getting “the criminal” to wear an Amberhawk Onesie when a parent remonstrates with a child is designed to reinforce parental strictures.

Some leading Conservative Party thinkers such as Sahib Javid (Home Secretary) have already suggested that Crime Stoppers’ grants could be available for deprived families to purchase Amberhawk Onesies for their children.  This is subject to the usual assessments to protect the public purse (e.g. means testing, DNA samples to check on parentage, criminal and immigration background checks).

If parents still fail to impress their recidivist children about the seriousness of their repeat offences, Home Office advice is to tell children, dressed in their Amberhawk Onesies, to stand on a specially designed “naughty step”.  Perhaps, it is suggested, children could be sent to bed early without supper, wearing their Amberhawk Onesie as pyjamas.

Obviously, there is no involvement with the police at this stage but Mr. Javid said that, in a post a hard-Brexit, a UK free of European Convention of Human Rights could adopt this as a future policy.  In really serious cases, the Home Secretary said “a good ticking off by the neighbourhood police officer and the wearing of handcuffs could be arranged”.

If you want to purchase one or more Amberhawk Onesie, email info@amberhawk.com with “Amberhawk Onesie” in the subject line.

Stop press: we can no longer sell Amberhawk Onesies.  The USA's Department of Homeland Security have contacted us to say they have all the Intellectual Property rights in the design of all Guantanamo Bay jump-suits and that they have issued a "Cease and Desist" notice.  As a result we have had to return our prize as the idea does not work.

References

Cyber Security Challenge UK competitions:  https://www.cybersecuritychallenge.org.uk/competitions

Sajid Javid is generally opposed to the European Convention of Human Rights: https://www.theyworkforyou.com/mp/24854/sajid_javid/bromsgrove/divisions?policy=6703

DP/FOI qualification: pubic courses (May-July)

• BCS Data Protection Foundation (3 days; London-May 21-23)
• BCS FOI Practitioner course; London (starts 4 June).
• Because of demand, the next BCS Data Protection Practitioner, London course that can be booked is (6 days starting June 11 or July 16).
• BCS Data Protection Practitioner Upgrade/Conversion (2 days; London, July 23 & 24)

Details on www.amberhawk.com or by emailing info@amberhawk.com

Comments

[Toby Hayes]

You win this morning’s prize (but only for this morning). Love it.

[PT]

Well you never deserved it in the first place, because the children are likely to be under the age of criminal responsibility - so threatening them with the Computer Misuse Act will have little effect, and forcing them to wear a onesie would surely be child cruelty.
Nice try, though!
Best wishes,

PT